Im writing a memoir. 

I could pay back my grandma for everything shes done for me. Shes taken care of me and my twin sister since practically when we were born. Shes the hardest working woman I know and despite everything shes my biggest fan.

She was there for me through my whole pregnancy and when I delivered since my husband couldnt be. She took leave from work and helped me everyday. I cant imagine life without her. Shes done so many great things for me and I cant ever think of a good way to pay her back.

I know she doesnt like her job anymore and its going to break her heart when we move away…shes so in love with her first great grand son. Ugh I almost cry thinking about it.

I want to give her the world back, I sometimes wish my photography would take off and I become well known and start making lots of money so I can pay her back or send her on a nice all paid for trip. I think of winning the lottery just so I could give her the house of her dreams. 

Ill find a way to show her how much I appreciate her, I really dont know where Id be without her unconditional love and support. 

In high school I never had to ride the bus home from away games during sports because she was almost at every single one of my games no matter how far it was. 

Well last night my husband and I went “out” for the first time since our son was born 2 months ago…

I never been much of a drinker…I got pregnant a month after turning 21 and my mom is an alcoholic so basically its always been pretty easy for me to be like “I dont want to turn out like my mother” and pass it up (dramatic I know but its worked since high school).

But for some reason I thought it sounded like a good idea to go out but instead I am left with just a guilty feeling for contaminating my breast milk (I knew I would feel this way but still did it anyway) 

So I am pumping and not going to give it to my baby and watching that liquid gold go down the drain….

I had a couple drinks and felt good but not trashed or anything…Im so happy because when I got home my son was awake (he stayed with my grand parents aka my mom and dad since remember my mom is an alcoholic- and we were gone 2.5hrs) and he was so happy to see me, I changed my clothes and went and picked him up and rocked him to sleep, of course I felt bad, but holding him reminded me how much he needs me and even though it was nice to get out I know next time drinking just isnt worth it to me….as thats the way Ive always felt about drinking. 

So next date night we get (which wont be for a lonnnng time since we are moving in a couple weeks and wont have my parents to watch him) I would rather cuddle up at the movies or just go to dinner to rekindle our love. 

Entered my kid into kidstar.com

Not sure if this is good or bad….hmmm.

Opportunities?

Yup I have that.

No it isnt fun

Makes you feel like theres something wrong with you….or I guess there is.

For a long time this has been going on…I was convinced it was situational depression…which still may be the case but about 2 weeks ago I was randomly talking to my counsler and she advised me to talk to my doctor because she felt I had PPD…so I call my doc whom is not there so I talk to a nurse who then convinces me it could be situational or my thryroid and I go about my life…then at my check up I just simply bring up I have no appetite whatsoever….then this leads to other questions and pretty soon Im taking this test that asks me questions.

Well this test is scored and the “suggestive” score is if you score anywhere around a 10 you could have PPD well I score a high 18 which my doc comes in and starts talking to me. So Im to go on zoloft. So Im like wtf. But i want to feel better.

I been through tough shit like last 10 months and I wish i could write it out all on this post

some may think like wtf am I putting this on the internet for, well this is my anon blog and I feel like my friends and family have heard enough of my problems so I just blast my shit on the internet and feel better, kind of like a vent, then I have this theory that I feel better and there fore everyone around me enjoys the better side of me.

Normally I dont think I could see myself to be type of person to bring this up in conversation but hey in reality all of us go through this at some point….

After I had my baby I was thinking “oh hell no” I just had major surgery! Aint no one touchin me let alone sticking something up there (haha)

Well in my situation it was a little different….my husband didnt see me or his son til about 6 weeks after he was born (huh, bastard timed that right didnt he? doctors say just about 6 weeks is the all clear for sex) hes in the military so couldnt be with us until then….and Im kind of happy in a weird way he didnt have to see me (or should I say my vagina) go through that, I get its natural and he should see what he did to me (maybe he’d understand!!!) but to him on the outside its as if nothing ever happened, just that we have this sweet adorable kid mixed with our DNA.

but when I picked him up from the airport and seen him get off the plane I still wasnt convinced I wanted to have sex, mostly because I hadnt had my check up appointment and well I had just tried doing a session of kegels and was sore the next few days! (again I was thinking HELL NO)

Then yesterday I go to my check up appointment, Im now at the 7 week post pardum mark….first question from my over peppy doc (whom I love) “have you 2 had sex yet?”

“no”

“wow you guys have some strong will as I know he just got back.. lets take a look”

Im all back to tip top shape…..so at the store Im like uhhh you need to buy some condoms just in case this goes down (as I have my kid strapped in a baby carrier and we head to the condom line….hmm kind of backward I know).

so last night we actually get the kid to sleep at a decent hour and have all the chores done where we actually lay down at the same time…(this has been a problem for us since he got here a week ago but it just so happens to happen the night of the day I got for sure cleared for sex)

Sooo…..I begin kissing my husband. And Im actually getting horny, he starts grabbing my ass and that sends me overboard….so basically you get the details of what happens next.

I was so afraid it was going to hurt. My doc told me some post pardum women need a cream to get the wetness factor back but uh lets say that aint a problem over here!

Anyway it hurt for about 2 seconds and then BAMMMM its like the most best Ive felt in the last 6+months, holy moley it felt awesome….we start going at it but I did find it a little weird my parents where in the other room as we are staying with them until we move in a few weeks….and well that didnt help the situation but being a little risky plus doing it in our room that our baby sleeps with us added in a little adrenaline….

so we are almost finished and since we only took our bottoms off my husband is all on top of me and looks down and all he says is:

“you lactated”

All I could do was roll over to my side and almost laugh….cause Ive had breast feeding problems and havent even had to have breast pads for leaking because I simply dont leak…I guess until I have sex. 

The area around the nipples of my shirt were wet.

Lets say we didnt finish. LOL.

or do I

About being in a LDM (long distance marriage) and having a newborn is losing track of my phone yet being attached to it to take pics to send to the husband and constantly txting him….
Relief will be when im able to enjoy the day without looking at my phone constantly or hanging out by where its plugged in to charge…or worrying about losing track of it an missin something from my husband…..
Im so addicted to this phone im excited for tomorrow when i can be looking an talking to my husband in person rather than looking at a phone screen.